It's The Little Things
by Band8PGeek
Summary: 2016 is a time of desolation, chaos and uncertainity... Well, OK, not quite, but it is a time of two married cephalopods and their fiesty young daughter. But heh, I take what I can get.
1. Legs

**Original General Fic Summary:  
**_**It's The Little Things  
**__Not all relationships consist primarily of love inside the bed and out; it's usually the little things that really make a perfect union. Squidward and Squilliam are no exception, especially with their daughter Victoria in the equation. Slash drabbles. _

This was originally a drabble on its own, dedicated to azera brazi. But Marih Dimitri suspected it wasn't done yet… which then gave me the idea of making this a little drabble fic.

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Legs  
**__Which part of the body gets to heaven first? _

I know, it's sad. I have drabble summaries.

Notes: This fic is set at the very end of the Squilliam's Jealousy saga in 2016. Squidward and Squilliam have now been married for probably three years. Their daughter is 7 years old here (will turn 8 in chapter 4).

Disclaimer: I don't own SpongeBob SquarePants; though the way this whole pairing is headed, "The Squidward and Squilliam Show" is more like it.  
**Disclaimer 2, and This The Most Important: I do not own Victoria. She's a character made up by azera brazi that she gave me permission to use. **She's the daughter of Squid & Squill, by the way – through circumstances too MPreg to mention.

* * *

Victoria Fancyson-Tentacles may have only been 7 years old, but she was strangely precocious. And by that, I mean that she was wiser to what was going on around her than perhaps her two fathers.  
This turned out to be her crowning moment one day in preschool. It was RE class, and the teacher had just asked which part of the body got to heaven first.  
Her best friend Cassie suggested the head, because you see heaven before you feel it. In fact, that was the general feeling amongst the students in that class that day, that the top portion of your body was blessed with heaven before the rest of it.

Not Victoria though.  
She said, "legs."

And - here's where the bizarre twist comes in - when asked why, she said, "I've seen one of my daddies in bed at night with his legs in the air, screaming "God, I'm coming!!""

Needless to say, she got a detention for that; no one knows why.


	2. Unibrow

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Unibrow  
**__It does more than look big and valuable. _

Genetics mean that you inherit the most extraordinary things from your parents.  
Victoria inherited the unibrow.

"Squilliam? Can I ask you about your unibrow?"  
"Sure, go ahead."  
"What's the deal with that unibrow?"  
An odd question indeed. Squilliam was at a loss for words as to how to answer – his husband had a point.

What WAS the unibrow for when it was at home? He couldn't even remember why he decided to grow it; though he assumed that it was the fashionable trend of his time. It didn't do much, really: it didn't do anything useful, like zap flies, and it never added any more flavour to his already highly active social life; it just sat there, looked big and valuable, and kept the sweat out of his eyes – just like any regular pair of eyebrows, except it did party tricks.

Surprisingly enough, it was Victoria that knew all of the tricks. Squilliam had perfected the "wave" in his teenagedom; but his feisty little daughter could manipulate her unibrow into fantastic shapes and forms – it could even tie itself in a knot if she was in a particularly kinky mood, even though it made its spectators a bit nauseated when it did this.

But surely the unibrow was for a far less commercial purpose than that.

Eventually, stuck as to a better answer, Squilliam replied with the rather lame remark of: "it turns you on?"  
Fortunately, Squid seemed to be content with that.


	3. Makeout

**Drabble Summary  
****_Makeout  
_**_1 2 3 4 I declare a tongue war. _

Making out with Squilliam Fancyson was like a newcomer bun-wrestling a reigning champion.  
You had to assert your dominance, get in there and really go for it, or you got fishpasted.

Squidward frequently got fishpasted. And that's all I have to say on the matter.


	4. Too Catchy

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Too Catchy  
**__It's a Glove World after all._

When Victoria reached her 8th birthday (always a special occasion), her big birthday present was either going to be a ticket to the old-but-golden Glove World, or the hugely-materialistic highly-expensive Neptune's Paradise.  
For a long time, it seemed like Glove World would be the preferable choice. Sure, it looked seedy and tacky from the outside, but the rides were child-friendly, and it shared a lot of sentimental value with her parents – after all, Squilliam **claimed** to have taken his husband's virginity there (or was it at The Hook Museum? He could never remember). And besides, let's face it, even at just-turned-eight, Vicky was far too young to be subjected to shameless self-promotion and fragile souvenirs that broke after 1 use and cost 10 a pop.

**HOWEVER -  
**There was but _one _con at Glove World that everybody overlooked...until it was too late.

(THE DAY AFTER)

"It's, a Glove World, af—ter all, It's, a Glove World, af—ter all…"

This was the 100th time that day, and Squilliam could stand it no more. "All right, that does it – we should've taken her to Neptune's Paradise!!"

(A/N: OK, you got me. This is a direct parody of the two rival big-business theme-parks Disneyland and Universal. Well, I've just been to Florida, the door was open...)


	5. 2:30

**Drabble Summary  
**_**2:30  
**__Irony pwns coincidence. Based on an actual author experience._

Coindicences and strange occurences are like new stories from a well-loved author - you wait for ages without getting a bite, then four come along at once.

For example, every now and again, a joke gets very popular at Victoria's school. And as it happened, that particular day the following pun was spreading like the suds:  
"Q: What time do people normally go to the dentist?  
A: 2:30 (tooth-hurty.)"

The thing is, though, Squilliam had a dentist appointment that day. And guess what time he had to leave the house to go to it?  
...  
2:30.

And guess which time he booked the **next **appointment for?  
...  
2:30.

And guess how many minutes it took for him to stop laughing?  
...  
2:30.

And you'll never guess what time I released this chapter?

...  
4:36.

Strange, isn't it.


	6. BooBoo

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Boo-Boo**  
__Well, that's one way to encourage someone into intimate moments. _

Little kids are reputed for falling down and cutting themselves in places they didn't even know they had. Victoria was no exception. Fortunately, Squid did have enough maternal instinct to kiss all of her boo-boos better (albeit before rinsing his mouth out and gargling with a very strong concoction).

This degree of intimacy gave Squilliam a bit of an idea. The next time he hurt his finger, he ran straight to Squidward putting on the most hurt face he could.  
Sure enough, Squid kissed it better. (No gargling with the concoction, Squilliam noticed.)

A few minutes later, a mysterious mouth-ache appeared out of nowhere, and Squilliam ran back to Squid.  
Who kissed it better.

Another few minutes later…  
"Y'know… my nether regions hurt a little bit too…?"

_(Note: I enjoy being controversial. :D) _


	7. Daughter

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Daughter**  
__It's hard being the daughter of gay parents. _

"All right, so my parents are gay semi-millionaires. Don't hold that against me, will you?" said Victoria, almost pleadingly.

Everyone then proceeded to beat her up.

"...Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh-kay, you're holding that against me."


	8. Nightmares

**Drabble Summary**  
**_Nightmares_**  
_They're not real. They're not real._

Of late, Victoria had been suffering from something very dangerous – nightmares.

Apparently it was the same dream every night.

**Nightmare Summary**  
_**Blood Clot**_  
_Squilliam gets a blood clot to the heart and dies a tearful death. _

Put that way, it makes sense to call it a "nightmare". In fact, Vicky often woke up crying from it.

But, of course, as Squilliam assured his panicked daughter that morning; nightmares and bad dreams are just that – bad **dreams**. Only a rare handful of dreams have actually come true, and even then in a much milder form. Yeah. Squilliam wasn't **really** gonna die, for Pete's sake! (Almost his exact words.)

Yeah.  
Dreams can't hurt you.  
They're just your imagination.  
They **do NOT **affect you.  
And they certainly as heck didn't affect Squilliam.

* * *

That night… 

**_"I don't wanna die, Squiddy!!" _**

Nah. They didn't affect Squilliam.  
No way.


	9. Plankton

_As a quick detour, I'll try to include some chapters that include the rest of Bikini Bottom. Starting with this one..._

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Plankton  
**__A villainous scheme in Fancyson Manor is quickly (s)quashed. Dedicated to Commander and Melted2Fluff._

"Yes... it's perfect..."

Yup, it was Plankton all right. No one had heard from him since the "mind-melding" incident (the result of which Squilliam was only too well aware), so he'd snuck into Fancyson Manor, and was now mentally drafting up plans for his next world domination scheme. (Come on – you people saw the movie. You didn't **really** think the Krabby Patty was just for commercial purposes, didcha?)

It seemed simple in his mind: find some aspiring musicians, make them into a band, add subliminal messages to their music, and sooner or later the world would "be under my control, where I can crush the fools _like the bugs that they are_!!"

Seemingly foolproof.

There was only one flaw in Plankton's scheme, however. And it was nothing to do with the fact that Karen wouldn't go along with it.

He was conducting it on the very spot on which Squid and Squill frequently landed on in the middle of an intense, ahem, _session_.

"All hail Plankton... **All Hail Plank--**OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!! OW! OW! OW!!"


	10. SpongeBob

**Drabble Summary**  
_**SpongeBob**_  
_What have the __other __two nautical neighbours been doing throughout all this? _

Especially before Vicky was born, SpongeBob popped round Fancyson Manor from time to time. (Well, wouldn't **you** feel uncomfortable when one of the houses on your street suddenly became looming and empty?) Fortunately, Squid didn't get hostile towards him as much as before (no thanks to his husband).  
Despite this, I'm sorry, but Squidward drew the line at SpongeBob and Patrick coming round for a sleepover one night.

Don't get him wrong, though – a sleepover would have been fun, especially for Patrick...

...it was just that the two tuckered cephalopods wouldn't be able to get to sleep at night, what with overhearing all that sex and all.


	11. Explosion

**Drabble Summary **  
**_Explosion_**  
_No make Squill angry. You no like him when he angry. _

It might look and sound fancy, but living in a fancy private mansion with 100 doors, 2000 windows, 3 floors, a video-intercom in every room, the strongest unbreakable locks, maximum-security security system, lasers hidden in the garden, a wild man-eating clam in the backyard (Squid liked that bit especially), and to say nothing of a central all-system shutdown switch in Squilliam's bedroom could sometimes be a disadvantage.  
Of course, everyone assumed that this was because it was so easy to get _lost_. More often than not, Victoria had gotten up at night wanting to go to the bathroom and ended up, say, in the trophy cabinet or the football court. And once, Squid suddenly realised he was looking for a snack in the "protection" room.

But there was also an extra hidden danger to this mansion.

An example of this danger was exercised only last week. Vicky and Squid were playing Tic Tac Toe in the game room, minding their own business, when suddenly-

BAM  
GRIND  
Whirlwhirlwhirl  
sirens wailed and screeched windows and doors slammed down locks twisted and rotated keys were automatically locked and swallowed the clam in the backyard woke up and started barking it was basically a whole load of havoc in this poorly constructed and not punctuated sentence written like this for dramatic effect. It scared Victoria so much, she had to hide inside a golf bag.

The cause for this disruption, as so often happens, was rooted out immediately – or rather came charging on when Squilliam's face appeared on the intercom, fit to spontaneously combust.

**_"ALL RIGHT! Now, nobody gets in OR out…" _**

When the room stopped rumbling, Vicky rushed to Squiddy's arms (golf bag and all), waiting for the inevitable.

**_"_…_until the person who ate the last Spicy Nightstick Cookie __FESSES UP__!!"_**


	12. Malapropisms

**Drabble Summary  
_Malapropisms_**  
_Victoria's got her perpendiculars mixed up._

Victoria asked it so matter-of-factly, "Daddy, when you had me, did you get chlamydia"; poor Squidward very near choked on his Cappuccino.

But her seemingly random question was not without merit. "When you had me, you got swollen feet, right?"  
"A little bit, yeah."  
"And you don't normally walk around with me in your belly, do you, Daddy?"  
"No, but-"  
It was about this point that Vicky started crying. "Waaah! My Daddy's ill!"

Squid sputtered at this gut-shot to his personal health – how did swollen feet lead to chlamydia anyway?! IF it did?  
In response to this, his daughter handed him a Biology textbook. "It says (hic) so in here, Daddy! On (hic) Page (hic) 71!"

Page 71 profiled a table on STIs. Vicky'd filled it in herself:

_Chlamydia  
Can cause: Infertility, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), increased risk of octopi pregnancy, inflammation of the tentacles._


	13. Breakfast

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Breakfast  
**__Squid gets more of a meal than he bargained for.  
_**WARNING: This is more T than the others. If you don't like extra-gayness, I suggest you skip this chapter. **

Nowadays, even **without** a job, Squid didn't do mornings.

"Squiddy?"  
"Hrm."  
"Squiddy, wake up. Come on, wakey wakey. We gotta take Vicky to school/youth club/rollerskating" (cross out as appropriate).  
"Sleepy. You do it."  
"But I **always** have to do your morning duties."  
"Don't care. Sleepy."  
"Aw, come on, get up."  
_"Sleepy."  
_And it pretty much went on like this. Every morning without fail, Squid would attempt to get a lie-in, and Squilliam would try to get him up.  
Nothing worked, though.  
And by the time Squid finally _did_ drag himself out of bed, Vicky was late for school/etc..

All that changed one day when Squilliam decided to break out of the routine. "I don't **get** it, Squiddy. What _is _it with you and mornings? You can't even get up to fix your own breakfast."  
"Hey, if you don't like it, bring me breakfast in bed. Hheh-heh."

And that's when Squilliam got his idea.

* * *

The next morning, Squid wasn't pestered to get up as usual. But even though he found that a bit strange, he wasn't complaining. Finally, he could get that lie-in he'd been trying to get since forever.  
Something wasn't right, though.  
For one thing, he didn't remember his tongue feeling this thick before. Nor it being this tasty. And since when did the quilt make small quiet lust noises?  
...Hey...wait a minute. This wasn't his tongue! It was ----  
Then it clicked.  
Sure enough, when he opened his eyes… Well, you figure it out for yourself.  
"… … …"  
"Well, you **said** you wanted breakfast in bed."Squid decided to stop sleeping in after that. 


	14. Lust

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Lust  
**Getting carried away, are we?_

The problem with being a self-confessed sex addict (ie: Squilliam Fancyson-Tentacles) is that sometimes, without thinking, your lust disengages your brain and makes one do things without thinking.

"Um, Squill? You do realise you're biting my butt."

Squill was no exception.


	15. Deer

**Drabble Summary  
**_**Deer  
**Eavesdropping does you no good. _

No one knows why, but Squilliam figured that teaching Victoria about the animals of the surface world was a good idea.

But it went wrong from Day 1. He started simply, by showing her postcard-sized pictures. First the dog... then the cat... both of which were guessed correctly. When he held up the deer, however, he recieved no answer.  
With that in mind, he decided to give her a hint to help her - "What does Daddy call me when I hug and kiss him a lot?"

"Ooh - ooh, I know! It's a horny bastard!!"


	16. Reputation

_**Reputation  
**__Something which Squid doesn't really concern with. _

"Squiddy, all I asked you to do today was to tidy this room and put some clothes on. And OK, you have the clothes on, but this room is still a mess."  
Squilliam Fancyson-Tentacles; ever the house-proud husband.  
Squidward looked up from his game of dominoes. "Relax, Squill; it's only one person we're dealing with for dinner here, not the whole of Bikini Bottom. It'll be fine. Now go and put another coat of glaze on the meat or something."  
Squilliam didn't move. "Uh… It's not actually that simple, Squiddy…"

* * *

"Quite frankly," said the crab in the business suit surveying the same room a few minutes later, "this room is the worst of the lot. I expected to see a more suitable environment in which to raise a child."  
As he took notes down, Squidward dragged Squilliam out of the room unibrow first. _"Why didn't you tell me that we were trying to get Vicky into private school?!" _he protested through clenched teeth.  
"Why didn't you ask?" 


	17. Eveningtime

_**Eveningtime  
**__I have a hot date with a little lady, and her name is… oh wait, that's a guy. _

Having left Victoria under the care of the housemaids or other **trust-worthy** babysitters, Squidward and Squilliam sometimes went out on Friday nights – as the latter always put it, "first dates all over again!"  
In the first year or so, Squidward used to scrutinize over every detail of his appearance just before coming out the front door. Did he have enough head wax? Were his eyes bloodshot or not? Did he have garlic in his teeth? How well did that shirt go with the tux?

This practice stopped after Squilliam admitted that he really needn't bother; he was more interested in checking how tight the trousers were.


	18. Ben 10

_Author's note: I originally released this chapter 3 years after the first chapter of Squilliam's Jealousy had been released. Back then, I had no grasp on the canon, or when this fic was actually set. So when I went back to correct the setting, I considered changing this accordingly. _

_Then I thought "for the heck of it" and decided to just tell the readers that this chapter is set back in 2014, when Vicky is 5 years old. There, that clears it up. _

* * *

_**(Ben) 10  
**__The number of years, not the sucky cartoon. _

There is only one way in Bikini Bottom to find out what the date is.  
_Sorry about this, calendar.  
_RRRRRRRRIP!  
Whaddya know. 13th January, 2014.

"Can you believe it's been 10 years already?"  
At this statement, Squidward looked up from the book he was reading (he'd been reading a lot of those lately). "10 years since what?"  
"Like you don't know – 10 years ago today was the first time we really... y'know... bonded as a couple."

(A Snippet From Squilliam's Diary)

_I scooted my chair backwards and got up with the rest of friends. I walked toward Squidward until I was face to face with him. He looked at me nervously and I just smiled back at him. Without any warning, I quickly grabbed a hold of Squidward and pressed my lips with his, closing my eyes. Squidward was completely stunned at my action. I continued to kiss him passionately forcing him to open his mouth so that my tongue could travel inside his cavern. His lips were so sweet and the taste that I got from his mouth was pure bliss. Squidward tried to pull away but I merely wrapped my arms around him, holding him closer to my body and holding his head gently with my hand as I deepen the kiss..._

_- Squilliam's Jealousy Introduction, by Marih Dimitri/MushuD_

(End Snippet)

Squid cringed at the memory. **There** was a road he didn't want to go down again.  
In contrast, Squilliam seemed happy to recall the feeling; "that was the best kiss I'd had of my life... so far."  
His husband couldn't resist getting a dig in. "You mean there was a feeling better than the satisfaction of humiliating me in front of hundreds of people?" he gasped in mock horror.  
He received a playful spank on the rump for his troubles. "Sauce. Actually, smart aleck, recently I experienced a kiss even better than that."  
"Really? When?"  
"Right now," Squilliam managed to say before succumbing to the inevitable temptation.

The rest of the day was spent in the bedroom.


	19. Ignorance

_**Ignorance  
**Squidward's lack of attentiveness proves to be Victoria's downfall one night. _

Normally, when making love at night, the kisses come first, **then **the removal of clothes.  
But, of course, this had to be the night where the clothes came off first, didn't it?

"DADDY DADDY! Help me!"  
**"WAH! DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT! DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT!!"**

---

Once Squidward had covered up his exposure (with a dressing gown which, on closer inspection, turned out to be a dead badger), he managed to get something sensible out of Vicky: "t-there's a big mean old man waiting outside waiting to get me!!"  
Unfortunately, her observation, uncanny as is, couldn't have been further from the truth. "For goodness sake, it's only a statue of His Lord Royal Highness or whatever the heck his name was. Now goodnight."

Vicky was still scared, though. (Well, why not?) "Can I sleep with you guys tonight?"  
**"NO!"**  
"Can I go up on the roof with a baseball bat in case the scary man comes to get me?"  
"Yeah yeah, good idea, you do that."

Naturally, Squilliam had his doubts on this half-assed agreement. But Squidward dismissed them on the grounds that "she'll probably forget about it by the time she gets downstairs" before quickly resuming their interrupted session.

---

"NO WAY. And you sat up there for HOW long?!"

_"Eight...hours...straight."_ At about that point, an extremely cold and ticked off Vicky sneezed so violently that she was excused Maths class.


	20. Brainwash

**_Brainwash _**  
_He too has fallen victim to the craze._

"Forward, forward, back, back, forward, forward, back, back, and jump..."  
Squilliam had just walked in to see the very disturbing sight of Squidward in a workout leotard. "Squiddy? What on earth are you doing?"

"Getting rid of all that flab around my legs," Squidward answered, almost in a monotone. "This workout focuses on your hips and thighs, and is especially good for the buttocks. Forward, side-step. That girl Davina in the middle there; she has always struggled with her weight, but no-eating diets combined with this strenuous workout every day have transformed her into the slim and confident girl she is today."

Pause.

"Squidward, you've been brainwashed by propoganda."  
Squidward was transferred to his bed for the rest of the day, with the rather macabre warning of "I'll keep you safe until you're well again."


	21. Addicted

_**Addicted  
**Someone get those two a rehab center. _

Despite everything, Victoria still had to content with an occasional bout of stupidity from her classmates from time to time regarding her parents', ahem, "orientations".  
The most moronic comment she'd heard came at breaktime one day from a fish called Wanda (pardon the pun): "I heard that your daddies went into a restaurant and they had sex in the back of the restaurant and the nasty men had to close the restaurant."  
"Hey, just because my dads love each other," protested Vicky in defence, "doesn't mean that they're sex-crazed maniacs."  
And that was when they stepped into the nurse's office.

The excuse Squilliam came up with was that of an eye operation.


	22. Aquaequinophobia

_**Aquaequinophobia  
**__He lets his fears get the better of him._

Few people knew this, but Squilliam had a little irrational fear of seahorses following an incident in seventh grade.

So Vicky starting to go through a sea pony phase and begging her daddy to buy her one didn't exactly help matters.


	23. Stargazing

_This chapter will be extra long to make up for my last drabble (or lack thereof.) _

_**Stargazing  
**__They couldn't have picked a worse time._

Occasionally, Squidward and Squilliam liked to skip supper and sneak out to Jellyfish Fields for a bit of time to themselves. (A bit of time to themselves **away from the bedcloth**, that is.) It gave them a chance to ponder a bit about the great mysteries of life, like how thermostat mugs worked, and the purpose of being ("you mean you don't know by now, Squiddy?" was Squill's answer to both).

This particular night, they were discussing constellations.  
"You see that little cluster of stars in the middle of that flower, Squilliam? That's the Diamond Box. I first saw that on the night we got engaged."  
"I thought it was a part of that long chain of clusters called the Ivory Necklace."  
"... Um...yeah, yours is good too."  
"Ooh - ooh - ooh - that one in the corner that looks like a straight line; that's called Swish and Flicker. That's **my **favourite."

Meanwhile, some way behind the unsuspecting cephalopods, the jellyfish started their annual field migration. _  
_  
"D'you see that huge constellation in the middle there? I named that after you: 'Squill's Aqua Nest'. Remember? You gave me the flowers?"  
"I see it, I see it! It's that huge white ball with what look like aliens playing on it."  
"...That's the moon."

A low buzz caught Squilliam's attention. Further surveillance showed that the migration was heading their way.  
"Squiddy?"  
"Hm?" Squidward had gotten a bit drowzy by this time.  
"Squid, I think we should move."  
"Why, Squill? What's wrong with the Fancyson Mansion?"  
_"I mean from this spot. _There's a wave of jellyfish coming this way."  
Squidward couldn't resist rolling his eyes. "Squi-ill, you can't give me that barnacles just because you're horny already; can't you at least wait until we've been here 10 minutes?!"  
"No, really, Squiddy. We should move. Someone could get hurt."  
Squid manouvered himself up to look at his husband. "Now, really, Squilliam, I'm--"

But what Squidward was, he never found out. The tentacles of the wave of jellyfish got in the way a bit.

* * *


	24. A Massage From The Author

**A MASSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR  
**

Well, you heard the title; get on the massage chair. It's stimulating. :D

Well, this fic has been up for almost 10 months now, and I'm starting to run out of ideas. (I hoped I wouldn't do this until it was at **least** one year in, but anyway...) And throughout this fic's course so far, I have had (counts) 3 chapter-sequels from Marih Dimitri and about two mini-drabbles from Azera Brazi. With those in mind (and big thanks to Azera), we've come up with a bit of an idea - do an Ugly Barnacle.

What I mean by that is, you can now contribute drabbles to "It's The Little Things"! The next chapter will have a Azera-given drabble in it to show you what I mean. I know that this is understandably risky, like inserting The Diary of Anne Frank into a fiction novel, but as ITLT has surpassed Missing You in popularity, I feel at least 70 percent confident that this could work. And what do The Ugly Barnacle got that we ain't got? XD

There are only a couple of conditions:

1) Keep the focus on the situation at hand, don't change any of the essentials. The only exception is an idea of Azera's which (sorry about this) I will hold off until this fic's inevitable conclusion (when it's jumped the shark).  
2) Please, for the love of god, no strong or offensive language (homophobic language, Squidward-bashing or any of the like).

Apart from that... well, I hope you enjoy.

- BGeek


	25. Music

_**Music  
**it can tame the beast...or make it deaf...  
_Written by: Azera Brazi

Amazingly, after Squidward had moved in with Squilliam he had gotten a lot better at playing his clarinet. Squilliam was pleased and often gloated about himself being "The angel of music" since he believed that his presence and affection had made Squiddy feel more comfortable and at ease when playing.

But everynow and then Squiddy will still hit those sour notes. Why? Because his husband would sneak up from behind and slap his rump playfully while Squiddy practiced.

* * *

_Whoops, forgot to mention something back there. If you want to submit a drabble for ITLT (see preceding chapter), do it by anonymous review or by PM. Don't review it to me while still logged in, or else I might have to report it to get rid of it. And you don't want to blemish that spotless record of yours._


	26. BargnMart

_**Barg-n-Mart  
**Why Squidward shops alone.  
_Written by: Marih Dimitri

Shopping was a chore in itself. Squidward hassled through the crowded isles, almost getting thowmped by "cart racers", and occiasional bumping into Spongebob and Patrick, which brought more migraines and trips to the medicine aisle.

However, he brought Squillam and Victoria one time with him, and shopping became hell in tow. Squillam would haggle over the price of coral meat for 2 hours straight, leaving Squidward with a monstrous headache, yelling his frustrations to the butcher, only to have lectured about his anger outburst from Squillam.

Chasing Victoria around the aisle's constantly, trying to avoid her grabbing the bags of coral crunch nugget, coral ranch chips, or packs of soda's, if not rampaging through them already.

If that wasn't bad enough, waiting in line through the checkout aisle proved to be too much, as Squillam demanded that the price of ketchup be lowered, making threats to buy the store and shut it down, while Victoria constantly whined, demanding for him to buy 10 chocolate coral bars, with a crowd of angry people yelling at them to move along.

Needless to say...he didn't bring them along anymore.


	27. Cookery

_**Cookery  
**__Requires a flashback to Chapter 22.  
_Written by: Band Geek

It got into the news headlines that day that Squilliam was cooking dinner for everybody.  
And by cooking, he didn't mean "ordering a takeaway and heating it on the microwave".  
It over-shadowed the news that Mad Snail Disease was breaking out downtown. That's how rare the occasion was.

Taking advantage of his family's stunned stupor, Squill enlisted their help by sending them out to get ingredients: Squidward for the basic ingredients, Vicky for the horseradish. "Most important ingredient," he insisted.

10 minutes later, Squidward returned with the basics. Victoria took another hour or so.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy Daddy Daddy!"  
"Vicky, quit fooling around and give me the horseradish."  
"Um, about that… I couldn't find any."  
"…heh. No seriously, give me the horseradish."  
"I couldn't find it, Daddy. But I did find something even better!" (Vicky brought them in at this point.) "Here's the radish. And here's the seahorsey. Isn't he cute?!"

Big mistake.

* * *

"Squiddy-dad?" Vicky said over Squilliam's screams. "I think I made a mistake."

"No shrimp, Shellock."


	28. Special Day

_**Special Day  
**__Really, who could forget?  
_Written by: Band "Squill" Geek

**Hoooooooooooooooonk!**

_Hunh…wha…what was that? _

**Hoooooooooooooooonk!**

_That sounds very familiar…ugh..can't make it ou….  
__Yes I can. _

**Hoooooooooooooooonk!**

_Carp. It's SpongeBob's ---  
NO! No no no no no! I don't wanna go back there! Don't make me go back there! AAAACH! _

**Hoooooooooooooooonk!**

"AAAAAAAAH!"

Squidward sat up in bed, suddenly a lot more alert. What had happened? Where was he? Was he…? _God forbid?  
_He glanced around. Left. Right.  
Good. Hah. No SpongeBrat.  
Relieved, he flopped back down on the bed and settled back into an uneasy –

**Hoooooooooooooooonk!**

"AAACH!"  
Squidward sat up again. If he wasn't back there, then what was making that honking noise?!

"Good morning, Daddy. **Hoooooooooooooooonk!**"  
_Vicky. I suppose I should've known._

Squidward struggled to stifle a yawn. "Vicky, why did you wake me up? What time is it?"  
"Precisely 6:26 and 3 seconds," Vicky recited.  
"What-wha-te--- what time do you call that?!"  
"Quote unquote: "Precisely 6:26 and 3 --""  
"**That's not what I had in mind.**"

Vicky erupted into giggles. "Come on, Daddy, don't tell me you've forgotten already."  
"Forgotten what, what's going --"

Then Squidward noticed the décor in his room for the first time. Banners? Balloons? 'Pin-The-Tail-On-Patrick?'

"_Oh yeah. SpongeBob's birthday._"  
Squidward tried to resist falling right back to sleep right now.  
And failed.

"Daddy? Daddy, come on, you gotta get up for the party."  
Vicky rushed underneath her wayward father, trying to push him out of bed. Granted, not an easy task. But she was determined to do it. "Get up, Daddy, get up for SpongeBob's birthday party. Come on, come on, Daddy Daddy Dad--"  
Crik. "OWWW OW OW OW!"

"Oh, Daddy, are you hurt? Don't worry, a quick radijustment of the joints should do the trick!" (Never mind that Vicky didn't even know what a big word like readjustment meant.)  
"No Vicky no don't---" Crik. "OOOOOW OWOWOW!"

Squidward, for the third time this morning, had to restrain himself, this time from yelling at Vicky. (And it wasn't even 7 yet. Had to be a world record.) "Victoria, you've got to remember that I'm not as young as I used to be. Do you really think that a **party**--"  
Vicky scoffed. "Don't worry, Daddy. When you're in the right mind, you can be as young as you feel. Unky SpongeBob taught me that."  
…_**Unky**__ SpongeBob?  
_Before Squidward could protest, however, Vicky had already zoomed off, singing something about "Unky" and laughing uncannily like he did.

_Ugh. Those two are too much alike._


	29. AWOL

_**AWOL  
**__Vicky's gone missing in action.  
_**Written by: Band "****Today I'm Going to Skip the Jokes and Get Right to the Part Where I Throw Pies at You" Geek**

"Oh god. Oh god. God no."  
"Shh, Squill, relax. It's going to be--"  
"Just say it. I'm a bad parent."  
"No no no, Squill, you're--"  
"I shouldn't have left her alone in the bookstore, I…she's only eight, Squiddy… I'd never…if anything happened to…_oh god._"  
"Ssh. Come on, don't cry. She'll be OK. I can feel it."  
Quiet sniffles.  
"Can I get you a drink? Will you be OK if I leave to get you a drink?"  
"(sniff) Well…to be honest, I could use a Cappuccino…"

To be fair on Vicky, she hadn't **meant** to get lost. She'd just seen something shiny in the toy store across, and when she got back she couldn't find her daddies.  
About 25 minutes of searching had led her to a nice security guard. Now she was sucking on a lollipop and being escorted back to her waiting parents at Starfishbucks.  
Little did she know the pandemonium she had created in her father's wrecked mind.

* * *

Daughter and parents had been reunited, and they were now outside the store. Vicky was confused. Squilliam hadn't even seemed to register she had come back, and was crying just as much as when she'd first seen him again.  
She decided to take a risk and ask a question. "Daddy, why were you crying?"

Whatever answer she was expecting, it wasn't a slap round the cheeks.

"Squilliam!!"

"_Do you know how much I've been worrying about you, young lady?_ I've had a rough week; it doesn't help you going gallivanting off all over the place!"  
"Squill, I think I –"  
"Shut up, Squiddy, I can handle it. You've had me worried sick, Vicky. I…I thought a strange man had taken you away from me!"  
Vicky tried to muster up a smile, even though her cheeks hurt. "No, silly-dad. I was just looking at the toy-store."

Bad move. "**We didn't know that, **Victoria! For all we knew, you could have been on the other side of the ocean!" By this time, Squilliam had started shaking her, and had started to cry again. "Don't you dare go frightening us like that again. Promise me, Victoria."  
"Daddy—"  
"Don't you **ever ever** do this again!"  
By now, Vicky was crying as well. "Daddy, stop, you're hurting me."  
"Don't **ever **do this again, Victoria! Promise me! You…you never…"

Squidward could only stare as his partner drew Vicky into a tight hug. _Squill, you're like one of those manic-depressives. Kill you one moment, ask how you're feeling the next. _

"Vicky, I'm sorry Daddy slapped you," Squilliam managed to choke out. "I…I was just scared. I thought I'd lost you."  
"I'm sorry too, Daddy."  
"_Oh god…_"  
"Daddy? Daddy, you can let go now."  
"_My little girl… my special little girl._"


	30. ChapterSequels

The three segments in this chapter are all chapter-sequels written kindly by Marih Dimitri in this fan-fic's heyday. Sorry, I had to replaces all asterixes with brackets.

_

* * *

_

**_Plankton Sequel_**

_"All hail Plankton... **All Hail Plank--**OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!! OW! OW! OW!!"_

**The end.  
**…**  
Bonus, ha ha! **

Squiddy: ahh..squill...Harder...  
Squill: (pushes harder) (slamming Squiddy on the floor)  
Squiddy: (feels something squishy on his back) (pulls it out) ew...what is that?  
Plankton: X.X...  
Squill: just..some dirt..(tosses it out the window) (drills squiddy)  
(screams begin heard from the mansion)  
Plankton: ow...not...fair...(squished)

_

* * *

_

**_SpongeBob Sequel_**

_...it was just that the two tuckered cephalopods wouldn't be able to get to sleep at night, what with overhearing all that sex and all._

**The end.  
**…**  
Bonus, ha ha! **

(in Fancyson mansion)  
Squidward: Can't i just..toss them out...for tonight?  
Squillam: Now..Squiddy..we talked this over.  
Squidward: (sigh) But...they're being noisy! (whines)  
SB+Pat: (making..'noises')  
Squillam: i know...(sweatdrop) just...let it slide.for tonight.  
SB+Pat: (noises become louder)  
Squidward: ohh...(gets out a club and hands it to Squillam) HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH THIS!  
Squillam: (holding club) But...  
Squidward: I'm NOT..gonna get any tonight from you...though i wanted to...and i can't...STAND..their noises. Just knock me out..so that way i can get some sleep.  
Squillam: But...  
Squidward: IRRIATED JUST DO IT!  
Squillam: (baps squidward in the head) (squidward falls asleep instantly) sigh...goodnight...my pearl..(puts putty paste in his ears, wraps his arms around Squiddy and falls asleep)  
SB+PAT: (continues making noises throughout the night)

* * *

**Explosion Sequel**

"…until the person who ate the last Spicy Nightstick Cookie FESSES UP!!"

**The end.  
**…  
**Bonus, ha ha! **

Squillam: (in the intercom) WHO ATE THAT COOKIE?!  
Victoria: (to squiddy) i'm scared daddy!  
Squidward: Now now..don't worry. Daddy will take care of everything! (kisses her forehead and goes to the intercom)  
Squillam: WEL! (huffing)  
Squidward: You're scarying our little one!  
Squillam: JUST TELL ME WHO TOOK THE DAMN COOKIE!  
Squidward: (irriated) LIsten to me, hon. If mr. wrench wants to visit mr. hammer, he'd better get his act straight..and COOL OFF...otherwise..he'll be with Mr. Couch..UNTIL..further notice.  
Squillam: !  
Squidward: Besides..i ate that cookie last night. (smirks) (looking at his hands)  
Squillam: (turns off all security systems)  
Squidward: (turns to Victoria) See now? Daddy's cooperating. Everything is all right..now.  
Victoria: (smiles, gets out of golf bag)


	31. Football

_**Football  
**At the end of the day, men only desire two things. Football and sex.  
_**Written by: azera "Surprising-Us-All" brazi**

"Squill? Can you help me put the groceries away?"

"Yeah, give me a second."

...

"Squilliam!" Squidward's face appeared in the doorway. The other octopus muted the television, glimpsing around at his mate with an annoyed look. "What?"

Oh no, there was the hands on those hips. "I asked you to help me"

"And I said in a minute. It's almost to the commercials."

Knowing that Squilliam had the upper hand thanks to his excellent business skills and persuasion, Squidward gave in, shuffling over to the couch and taking a seat at the opposite end. Great. A football game. "Reefers vs the Mantas?" He crossed a brow. "The reefers suck."

Squilliam seemed offended. "I have always rooted for the Reefers! They won a lot of Coral Bowls!"

"Correction, they only won three."

Squilliam crossed his arms. He was about to say something, but Squidward cut him off. "They are horrible this season."  
He received a playful poke to the side. "Oh, wanna bet on it?"

Squidward smirked. "Fine, if they win a touchdown," a quick glance to secure the area from Vicky, before the rest was whispered, just to make sure. Squilliam smirked, as the two continued to watch.

_(Ten minutes later)_

"No fricking way!"

"Oho! Bend on over, Squid!"


	32. Wordplay

_**Wordplay  
**__It's not what you said, it's the way you said it.  
_**Written by: azera "Curare" brazi**

Of course, life wasn't all mushy romance for Squilliam. Despite his wealth status, he still chose to set up and build more fancysmancy buildings to rake in the dough.

The boardroom was never fun, especially when it consisted of stuck up investors, but they always seemed to agree with whatever project he managed to think up.

Currently reviewing for the new casino-ballroom-hotel-theater yacht he was creating (Squill always had a penchant for putting odd combinations together to gain five star status), his men were already asking questions.

"Sir, How many rooms will it have?"

"How large will it be?"

"Does the kitchen serving the ballroom serve any specialty of food? Like Italian or Greek?"

"Why are you gay?"

Everyone, including Squill, looked to the lone patron at the end. It would take no genius to figure out the new boy was a homophobe. "What?" Squilliam rapped his pointer against the edge of the table, causing most to jump. "You did it now..." the man sitting next to the newcomer whispered.

But the stubborn fool was determined. "I was just wondering," he replied coldly.

"Ok..." Squilliam suddenly had an idea. Most who knew the cephalopod knew that when you mess with him, he fights back hard. "When my mate and I go clubbing, why do we see your father grinding a pole at the local gay club down the street?

Needless to say, Squill didn't hear a peep from him anymore.


	33. Woman

_**Woman  
**__They better stay away from Squidward  
_**Written by: Marih "Present Tense" Dimitri**

**Warning again: This is slightly more T than the others due to one use of language.  
**  
Being one of the popular socialites in Bikini Bottom, Squillam tends to flaunt his assets, whether it be his boatmobile, his thousand square acred manison (besides his many condos, beach island homes and such), and even his family.

Squidward doesn't pay much attention to that, however popularity kinda brings in the 'fangirls'. Which is why Squiddy is always surrounded by young woman, flirting with him, teasing him, and asking him out.

"Here there handsome. How about a date with me saturday night," a young woman asked.

"NO..besides..i'm already engaged," Squidward retorted.

"Oh..pretty please..gorgeous!"

At this point, Squillam was already having a hissy fit. "Look blondie, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY MATE. HE'S MINE..AND WILL BE MINE..ALWAYS!" To make matters worse, Squillam is posting signs all around Squidward, which states, 'Property of Squillam Fancyson-Tentacles", much to Squidward's dismay.

"Why did i even bother going outside today?"


	34. Shopping

_**Shopping  
**__Shopping with Squillam is embarrassing!  
_**Written by: Marih "MySpace" Dimitri**

Squidward had a 3 minute rule when it comes to department stores. Get in...get a simple shirt and jeans and get out. However..with Squillam, shopping was a fashion show.  
Squillam would go through mountains of suade pants, jeans, velvety shirt and such..insisting that Squidward stay with him in the dressing room, which would take Hours.

"Are we done yet?" Squidward sighed, bored.  
"You can't rush this, Squiddy. We've gotta in style after all," Squillam huffed a bit, trying on a blue sweater.  
Squidward: Can't you just pick one and go? (irate) Hell..i'lll just pick one for you...  
Squilliam: (smirks) okay...go ahead..(devious smirk)

Squillam quickly got undressed..fully...grinning to himself and walking out the dressing room, calling back to Squidward.

"Pick something out for me. I'm not leaving this store until you do, ...sweetums."


	35. Helluvit

_**Helluvit  
**__Housework and kelpweed and stuff, oh my.  
_**Written by: Band "She Back!" Geek**

Squill caught him in the middle of chopping the kelpweed. In fact, if Squidward hadn't been struck dumb the moment their lips met he'd've chopped a little more off the top.

"What was that for?" Squid asked as the other tako pulled away.  
A shrug. "It's been a while since we just made out for the hell of it. Besides, I was bored."  
An eyebrow rose.  
"What, can't I be bored and kiss my man? I thought you liked it. What, you want me to-"  
"OK, geez," laughed Squidward, rolling his eyes in that way his partner loved so much. "Just don't surprise me like that. You scared me."

A couple of minutes later, Squilliam came back into the kitchen. "Hey Squiddy."  
"Oh, what now?"  
"You know what _else _we haven't done for the hell of it recently?"  
This stumped him for the first time in a while. "Huh?"  
"You know… that little something involving women's underwear and a feather duster."  
Finally, Squid seemed to get it. "Oh good, I was wondering when you'd get round to that. Hang on, I'll go get it." He disappeared, reappearing a few seconds later with an apron and a feather duster…

which he promptly gave to his now confused husband. "I'd start in the attic if I were you; it's been so dusty recently, I get smoker's cough up there. Oh, and be a dear and go cut the kelp in the football court while you're up there, will you? I'd do it myself, except it's been a while since I used a reef blower."

…

"Um, Squiddy? Are you and I on the same page of the Karma Sutra here?"


	36. Pet

_**Pet  
**__Who hasn't had to deal with this?  
_**Written by: Band "Not Again" Geek**

Like all classes in other oversea schools (and possibly undersea), Victoria's had a class pet. Specifically, it was a worm larva called Zoea, much loved throughout the school. It could do pet tricks and everything.

When the responsibility fell on Vicky to take care of it at home for a week or two, it took some work to persuade the stricter of her daddies to even let it in the house. Squidward still couldn't live down the memories of the time he'd been roughed up by a certain guard worm who couldn't tell his calamari from his choice cuts.  
Squilliam, on the other hand, was all for letting her do it. His reasoning was that it would enable her to learn all the responsibility that comes with taking care of a real pet, and give her experience with mess into the bargain. Besides, as he said himself, "it'll get those damn wants for a (shudder shudder) _sea horse_ out of her head."  
Eventually, a dual attack of the puppy-dog unibrows forced Squidward to fold. "But I'm not happy about it."

However, some hours later, when Zoea had rummaged through the laundry, eaten all the meal items in the house and torn up every last issue of Gay Boy Digest, Squilliam had to concede that his husband had a point.


	37. Psychology

_**Psychology  
**__Not the best timing on her part. _

Squidward knew that this Friday night date with his husband wouldn't be all caviar and roses when a random young woman-eel stole his wallet the minute he walked through the door.

Needless to say, husband was put on fetching-back duty. "Hey, uh, lady?" he gingerly asked her at the bar. "I don't know if you're aware, but you just took my mate's wallet; uh, if you could be so kind as to---"  
But he never finished his sentence.

"**NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT, YOU SICK PERVERT!**"

Squilliam had to slink back to his seat, all eyes on him, clean forgetting the wallet.

"What the hell was that about?" interrogated Squidward when he got back.  
"I wasn't trying to sleep with her, I swear, Squiddy." Hands up in defense. "She just accused me with no proof."  
"Geez, that chick's a nutter."  
"Tell me about it, hon."

A few minutes later, the same eel came up to their table. "Here's your wallet back. Sorry about embarrassing you two like that," she whispered, giving the offending item back to Squidward. "I'm a psychology student, and I'm seeing how people react to embarrassing situations. Hope I didn't offend you or anything."

Squidward was going to launch into a tirade about how stealing a man's wallet wasn't the best way to go about a psychological analysis. But fortunately, he was saved from digging a deeper hole by his partner, who got back at her in the only way he knew how.

**"WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?!"**

* * *

(Author's note: as of now, chapter submission is closed to the public. That whole thing was a bad idea to begin with.)


	38. Birthday

_**Birthday  
**__I had to submit SOMETHING for the __imaginary occasion._

Needless to say Squilliam was a little bit pissed.

He shouldn't have been, for it was December 19th, his 40th birthday (we are still set in 2016 here, for those still reading this). And birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, right?  
It wasn't as if Squill was stressed over turning 40 and all the stereotypes it entails such as suddenly becoming unattractive to his husband, goodness no.  
And goodness no it wasn't that said husband wasn't going to give him a good round of birthday sex late that night; oh no, that was guaranteed.

It was just that Squidward and Victoria weren't even _pretending _to pretend that they'd forgotten his birthday and were planning a surprise party/cliché for later.

The conversation that morning had gone as follows:  
"Mornin', Squiddy. Morning, Vicky."  
"Hi, Squilli-dad. Look, we're making things."  
"I can see that, honey. You know, today's a very special day for Daddy."  
"I know, Daddy, it's—Ow."  
"What special day, Squill? What are you talking about?"  
"Only the one you haven't forgotten for the past few years."  
"No, I have absolutely no idea that it is your birthday. Right, Vicky?"  
"But Squiddy-Dad, we're making him pres---OW."  
"Nope, no idea what you're talking about. We just happen to be down here making arts and crafts, is all. Nothing exciting here."

"…Are you two even _trying_ anymore?" hissed the birthday 'man' before turning on his heel and storming out of the room.

So yeah, he was pretty angry at them for not, in his mind, even bothering to stick to the cliché.  
However, there was one possibility that he hadn't counted on – and hadn't expected to.

* * *

A few hours later, this was proven the hard way. He entered the living room expecting a bunch of his friends to jump out at him yelling "Surprise" only to find his lover there looking dressed to go out.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded - nay, screamed. "Where's the surprise guests, the flashbacks, the gilded doorknobs?"

But there was a logical explanation: Squidward and Victoria's shoddy attempt at pretending to forget was actually an attempt to persuade him into thinking they'd remembered. In reality, the two of them really **HAD **forgotten that it was his birthday.  
"I didn't want you to get upset," Squidward explained, "so we pretended that we were going to get you a surprise party to throw you off the scent, and knocked up a last minute reservation to that Fancy restaurant. Hope you don't mind."

The stilted apologies from the previously high-and-mighty cephalopod were rather awkward.  
As always, though, the scenario ended on the lighter side: Squidward managed to point out that he needed 'punishment' that night – for the first time since forever.

The joys of roleplay when you're 40.


	39. Testy

**Testy  
**_A faux pas on a father's part inevitably doesn't help any chaos. _

Victoria's class tutor had evidently caught the older of her two fathers at a bad time; if the unkempt nature of his beige shirt and the large stacks of paper surrounding him hadn't given it away, the tense nature of his voice as he muttered "What the hell is it now?" into the phone more than made up for it.  
Said tutor still remained unaffected by this. "Mr Fancyson-Tentacles, I'm afraid there's something wrong with your daughter. She appears to be—"

"Oh yeah?" snapped Squidward, his fuse long since reduced to a stub. "There's something wrong with **your **daughter! If these papers I'm supposed to be sorting out for the husband are telling me correctly, your daughter is draining our budget by constantly selling us crap we don't need and I suspect she's sneaking into the mansion to steal the stuff back from us in order to sell them to us again because she needs the money to buy a dress or whatthefuckever! Ergo, I don't have time for your crap right now because I have to keep tabs on what's in the inventory and what isn't, and we have a huge freaking house with a lot of inventory to keep tabs **on**! So next time you phone to say our daughter has something wrong with her try taking care of **your** teenage delinquent first!"

"Um… Mr Tentacles, we're not comparing daughters," continued the voice on the other end. "I'm just saying that yours is running around like a hyper madwoman bouncing on invisible walls."  
The disgruntled cephalopod only muttered "oy vey" before calling out to the probable culprit. "Squill, did you give our daughter breakfast from the sugar-junk-food supply room again?"


End file.
